Meet the Next President of the United States of America: Mr. Waka Flocka Flame

It is the news of the month. He is the presidential candidate of the century. Naturally, rapper Waka Flocka Flame is running for the office of President of the United States of America. As an outgoing marijuana advocate and user, it is no surprise Mr. Flame’s first task in office would be to legalize marijuana. As Mr. Flame puts it in his official campaign video, “A blunt a day; it’ll take the pain away.” Despite his unwavering support of the legalization of marijuana, Mr. Flame advocates responsibility with smoking. In his own words, “You wake up, hit a blunt, go to work, shit gon’ be OK. You look around, things ain’t lookin’ good, you roll a blunt, shit gon’ be OK. Schoolwork gettin’ too hard...don’t touch the blunt. Think about it, wait ‘til you old enough.” This campaign video—although given as an interview to Rolling Stone Magazine—should not be taken lightly. Waka Flocka brings a unique perspective to the presidential race and proposes some interesting laws. For instance, Mr. Flame would immediately ban animals, and dogs in particular, from entering restaurants ever again. In addition, he would also prohibit any person with feet over size thirteen from walking in public because “your big ass feet taking all the space on the concrete.” While these vital laws would be Waka Flocka’s first mandates, he also has unique ideas for some slightly more pressing national matters.

Waka Flocka Flame has strong opinions on numerous controversial topics in America today. When Mr. Flame is being analyzed by his opponents, his commitment to the education of our nation’s youth can never be questioned. Waka Flocka would make any child who does not memorize his lyrics by the time he gets out of high school repeat grades three through twelve. Talk about investing in the education of America’s youth. Not only would the student then be forced to memorize all of Waka Flocka’s lyrics, he would also be privileged with ten more years of schooling before going to college. This strategy—coupled with Waka Flocka’s focus on teaching kids “reality skills”—would create one of the most holistic educations in the world. Moreover, Mr. Flame has an innovative idea that could potentially diminish the formality of Congress, which has long hindered productivity. Waka Flocka plans on “going with a tanktop, flip-flops, a box of backwoods, some 1882’s, rolling one up, [and] drinking a coffee.” This relaxed dress code and recreational substance use policy could potentially be the solution to Congress’ problems. However, if it is not, then Waka Flocka has a plan to reshape the separation of power in America’s government. As Mr. Flame explains, “Fuck the Congress, what’re we thinkin’ about? I am Congress, I’m president.” In terms of decreasing poverty, Waka Flocka would raise the minimum wage for all fast food restaurant workers to fifteen dollars per hour, following In-N-Out Burger’s “great fucking idea.” Mr. Flame also provides his own perspective on women’s rights, stating, “Women got all the rights already man. What else they want?...Women are pretty tough right now...it’s not a thing of rights for women, it’s more of a respect thing.”  In addition, Waka Flocka, with his chosen running mate DJ Whoo Kid, has a realistic expectation of his opposition for the presidency. Because “all the women love her,” Hillary Clinton is Mr. Flame’s only serious opponent. Furthermore, there is no need to worry about Mr. Flame and Mr. DJ Whoo Kid holding differing opinions on many topics, as Mr. DJ Whoo Kid’s main priority once his “boy get elected” would be allowing for “unlimited weed smoking.” To become more familiarized with Waka Flocka Flame’s bid for the presidency, you can watch the official campaign video here: http://goo.gl/hgQZcA; and, more importantly, watch for “ya boy” to make a run in the 2016 presidential race.